Hi! Before I get started with this week’s blog, I have to be honest and apologize for not being consistent. I’m not necessarily apologizing to you the reader, but more so to myself, because I broke a promise. I could say I was busy with work, I could say I was dealing with some personal stuff, I could say that I didn’t feel like putting in the effort, etc. While all those things are valid reasons for taking a break, the truth is that I didn’t have any real excuse. I just stopped writing for a while. I didn’t stop having ideas, and I never stopped reading or learning something, so now I’m back and I’m holding myself accountable to being consistent. So, here we go!

The simple definition of an infrastructure is the underlying foundation or basic framework of something, like a system, organization, or community. If you live in any major city, you can travel within that city because of highways, which are infrastructures that allow multiple travelers to go in different directions at the same time. Not all highways are efficient (South 167), but their intended purpose is to be efficient.

I first started thinking about infrastructures several weeks ago, when the world was rocked by a huge infrastructure break on one of the largest IT platforms in the world. One software update resulted in IT systems being impacted globally, resulting in some industries having to close, including critical industries such as hospitals. There were videos and news coverage of millions of people being stranded at airports because of canceled flights due to the airline’s IT systems being severely impacted. While there was a lot of fear-mongering going on at the time, that is not what I took away from that incident, and it’s definitely not what this blog is about. What I kept thinking about was how one event at one company disrupted entire industries for days on end. Microsoft was the company that had the software release that caused the IT issues, but the reason why so many industries were impacted is because they utilized Microsoft systems as part of their organizational infrastructure. Wow! The systems we use can be the very thing that leads to the demise of our infrastructure, and I am personally grateful that I got to watch that happen in real-time. Why? Because it turned my perspective on faith completely around. I now see faith as an infrastructure, which is why I’ve included a picture of a highway as the main blog image.

I’ve been binge-watching one of my favorite shows, Unprisioned on Hulu. The show stars Kerry Washington and Delroy Lindo and the show is based on the true story of Tracy McMillan, and it’s about a therapist who is reconnecting and reestablishing her relationship with her absentee father, who was in prison for much of her life. If you have not seen it, please do so because it’s amazing! What I love most about the show is that it features a little girl who is a living embodiment of Kerry Washington’s inner child. So there are parts of the show where you’ll see Kerry Washington’s character talking to this little girl who always looks exactly like her (like she’s in the same outfit, same hair, everything) as she is processing her feelings and emotions. The show highlights how even when we think we have everything all together, we can be dealing with levels of brokenness and uncertainty. Season 2 of this show came out one week after the Microsoft IT outage, and I don’t think it’s coincidental. At its core, the show is about the infrastructure of a family and what happens as a result of their foundation being broken down by absenteeism, unforgiveness, and resentment. As I watched the first few episodes, I started thinking about infrastructure again. I kept asking God, why do I keep being confronted with this theme of damaged infrastructures? And then I realized that my faith is an infrastructure, and God was showing me that my foundation was damaged.

The foundation of an infrastructure is what keeps it going and active. If we see faith as an infrastructure, then the next logical question is, what is the underlying foundation of our faith? As believers, our foundation should be rooted in the death and resurrection of Christ, and in His Word. But that’s such a churchy answer, and I think for many Christians other elements make up the foundation of our faith. I’ll be honest and admit that my thoughts impact my faith way more than they should. Sometimes I place my belief into what I’m thinking or what I’m experiencing, and it weakens my faith. What about you? Is your foundation damaged from a harmful childhood? A broken heart? Church hurt? These are all real things that have a real impact on us, and they especially can impact the infrastructure of our faith. What’s worse is that many of us may not even know the damage that exists to our foundation. I used to love the TV show Hoarders, and sometimes they would spend days getting rid of all the stuff in someone’s house, only to realize that underneath all of the clutter, there was mold in the home, which is deadly to our health once exposed. How many of us are going to church every Sunday, watching every preacher on Youtube, and praying down heaven every day……….but we don’t notice the mold on our hearts that is quietly killing us. What if the infrastructure of your faith is on the brink of collapse and you don’t even know it?

There is no blog I’ve written that did not start out with God showing me something about me. What He has been showing me lately is that doubt is a mold that’s been damaging the foundation of my faith for years. Do I truly believe that He can do exceedingly and abundantly above all that I ask or think? Not consistently. Why am I inconsistent in my belief? Because we often repeat that scripture but we don’t pay enough attention to the last part of it. Ephesians 3:20 says that He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all we can ask or think according to the power that works in us. If I entertain doubt, His power will not work in me as it should. And to be real, it hasn’t. I know that my living with Mental Health is part chemical imbalance and part spiritual imbalance. I’ve been reading an amazing book by Dr. Anita Phillips (a Christian therapist) about our hearts being gardens, and I love how she is blending scientific facts about the world of ecosystems and gardening with how we understand our emotions. I have to partner with God to fix my foundation and strengthen the infrastructure of my faith. And if you need to do the same, it’s OK. I am a big believer that God will use anything and everything to get our attention. He used a worldwide event and my favorite show to show me a truth I needed to see.

I know I’m not the only one with a damaged foundation and a weakened infrastructure. So I’m going to encourage you to look at your foundation and allow God to update your infrastructure, so you can access the power He has already given you. https://youtu.be/4MzH1Yao0x4?si=zdV-h4mImroucZlJ

God, thank you for being so thoughtful and intentional with how you speak to me. You know I’m a nerd, and you’re okay with that💖

See you next week~

OK, I haven’t written in a while, for multiple reasons. The first reason is that I have been extremely busy with work, and it’s been consuming my time. It’s easy for me to justify not being consistent with writing because it’s not something that I have to do. It’s not tied to my ability to pay my bills or anything like that. But then I had to remember that I told God that I would write, and just like I prioritize work, I need to prioritize writing. So I’m back.

There are so many things that I could talk about, but I’ll focus on what I consider to be an underlying theme I have been observing in my life lately, and that is about trusting God. I saw a TikTok video on Thursday that asked the question if we truly trust God, or if we just say we do. The timing of me seeing that video was spot on because I had just been talking to my mom about some work related changes that were happening and how I wasn’t sure how I felt about them. I’ve always been someone who is worry prone, and I freak out when I don’t understand the “why” behind something. If I am left in the dark, I then essentially throw an adult tantrum and I either shut down or I sit and I stew about what’s outside of my control and how I can get it within my control. And I’m currently in a place in my life right now where I know that God is asking me to trust Him, and to be completely honest, I am uncomfortable doing so.

When people talk about their ability to trust God, they often align it with the track record they have had with God. I’ve heard many people speak about God always being on time and how things ultimately worked out in the end for their good and for His glory. But you don’t hear a lot of people talking about how they trusted God and they ended up disappointed, or how they ended up having to sacrifice something that was important to them. Those are the testimonies we need to hear more of. Now, I also recognize that anything that God is asking us to give up or to lay down is something that is limiting our spiritual growth, whether that be an idol in our lives, a sinful behavior(s), or an incorrect belief system. It’s always something that may make us feel better, but is not making us grow spiritually. I’ve said before that stability makes me feel better. Not knowing what’s gonna happen and being unsure just freaks me out. For the past couple of weeks I keep hearing God ask me the same questions: Arnessa, do you trust that I am a good Father to you? I see what’s happening at your work, do you trust me with your future? I know what the reality around you looks like, but I know the plans that I have for you, do you trust me to fulfill those plans? Why do I have to convince you to believe me? Don’t you remember my track record with you?

It’s easy for us to conflate God’s track record with us with people’s track record with us when we look back on our life. Often times we are praying for certain things to take place with certain people, but we have to remember that we all have free will. We can pray for people and we can want certain things to happen, but they can reject us, and this doesn’t mean that God failed or that he intentionally set out to hurt or harm us. When I look back on my track record with God, I’ve been the flaky one, but I let disappointment color how I saw His character.

One of the things that I am learning is how sinful worry truly is. It’s essentially a state of doubting God. Every time I worry about something in my life, I’m telling God that I doubt that He sees all and that He knows all. I believe that worry chokes our faith, because all that we see and all that we think about is around the “what ifs” of our situation. But the truth is that there are no “what ifs”with God; His character is already set and won’t change.

For the past couple of weeks, the same song has been on my mind, and I originally thought it was because it was trending, but today I realize that it’s because I needed to hear this song and look at the song lyrics through the lens of worry. I now have greater understanding on the depth of my trust issues and what I need to be honest with God about. So, I’ve written down some of the lyrics to this song below, and I’m gonna add in additional words about worry, in case you’re struggling with the same.

“I was sinking (I was overwhelmed), deep in sin” (deep in worry)

“Far from the peaceful shore” (God is our prince of peace)

“Very deeply stained within (wrestling with loss of sleep and joy) sinking to rise no more” (accepting your reality as truth)

“But the master of the sea (you were never alone) heard my despairing cry” (He cares about every tear you’ve cried)

“From the waters lifted me (He is our Rescuer) Now safe am I” (safe in His arms, even if the situation is unchanged)

I believe that everyone is going through something, that everyone is in their own sea of life. Some are suffering with grief and loss and pain, some deal with worry and depression, like me, but no matter what sea you are in, if you are a believer, we all have the same same Master. What I love about that song is that it speaks to our reality and then reminds us of who God is. I was sinking…..I was far from the peaceful shore…. I was stained very deeply…., and I even thought that I would not rise again. BUT THE MASTER. BUT GOD. Our reality is not our master. Our worries are not our master. God is the master of our sea, and He hears you and will lift you and carry you to safety.

“The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” Pro‬ ‭18‬:‭10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

See yall next week~

“For your heart will always pursue what you esteem as your treasure.” Matthew 6:21 TPT

This might be the most vulnerable blog that I have written yet, but I promised myself that I would be honest, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. One thing I want to be clear about is that this post is not about sexual pleasure; this is not the space nor the proper audience for a conversation on that. This is about the pleasures of life, i.e. the things that bring us satisfaction. Even though the word pleasure is often used in correlation to sex, there are many non-sexual things we find pleasure in. This includes music, media (TV, social media), gossip (The Shade Room, Larry Reid Live), etc. And by now you know that I am a woman who enjoys understanding the proper definition of words, so let’s look at what the word pleasure means. The word pleasure as a noun, according to the Oxford Dictionary, means a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment. So like I said before, there are so many things that we take pleasure in. Pleasure in and of itself is not a bad thing; what makes it harmful is how we desire it and how our desires for it impact our decision-making.

As a heads up, this blog is going to be a little Bible-heavy because I wanted to make sure that I understood why God put this in my heart to talk about. The first scripture that I found is Proverbs 21:17, which talks about how those who love pleasure shall be poor (paraphrased). In 1 Timothy 5:6, it talks about how she who lives with her pleasures is dead while she lives (paraphrased). These are some very direct and hard-hitting scriptures, and as I read them again I found a pattern. The Bible does not speak directly against pleasure; it speaks directly against loving and centering pleasure. It’s the love of pleasure that makes us poor; it’s living in pleasure that causes us to be dead. And what is most striking to me is that many of our pleasures are not sinful on their own, but it’s how they are used. Just like an idol can be anything that we put above God, seeking our own pleasures can become both an idol and they can be the doorway for the enemy to come in.

I’ll share some examples of common pleasures that so many of us struggle with. I’ll start with a personal example. I love music, and I listen to music at least once every day. I especially love R&B music, but I have to be careful listening to it because it can influence my thoughts and my actions. To be honest, I have no business listening to R&B music when I ain’t got no man, but that’s beside the point. I recognize that I find satisfaction in music, that it is something that calms me down when I am upset, anxious, or sad. Many of us find also pleasure in shopping, or as my mom likes to call it “retail therapy”. While there is nothing wrong with shopping occasionally (insert the fabulous Donna Meagle saying “treat yourself”), shopping should not be a replacement for dealing with your feelings. Last but not least is one of the biggest pleasures of all, food. I once had a friend ask me to name a major life event that does not include food, and I could not think of a single one. We eat at weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, housewarming parties, anniversaries, graduations, and especially at funerals (black folks love us a good repast meal). We’re told by society that food correlates with celebration, and we’ve made it acceptable as a way to deal with negative emotions. Think about all the movies and TV shows that stereotypically showed food being used to deal with emotions (eating chocolate during your period, eating ice cream after a breakup, stuffing your face when you’re sad). It’s something that’s always around us and always accessible and something we have to be aware of and honest about.

Now am I saying that music, shopping, and food are sinful? Not even close. But what I am saying is that when those things become what we strive after, when they become what we need to survive and get through life, that’s when they’re harmful. That’s when they become our treasure, and that brings us back to the original scripture at the top of this post. When we treasure something we hold it in our heart, and we seek it out. We must realize that there’s always going to be evidence of what we treasure in our lives. If you treasure food as a comfort, the evidence is going to be weight gain. This is why millions of Americans struggle with overeating and yo-yo dieting; it’s because even though we understand the importance of a healthy lifestyle our heart treasures the comfort that food gives. I read a report yesterday that said that America has the highest amount of credit card debt in US history, and that is evidence that Americans treasure material things. This year they are predicting the highest volume of travelers in a single summer at airports across the country. We treasure escaping from our current reality. Now the why behind what we treasure is nuanced, but it’s important to know that if we don’t take the time to self-identify what’s at the root of our pleasures, they will eventually become the most important thing in our lives, even more important than God is. In 2 Timothy 3:4, it calls out traitors, heady, high-minded people, who are lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God (paraphrased). When we choose our treasures over His word, we put Him in second place in our hearts.

When I first began to get serious about God I felt like God took away everything that I enjoyed. First He made me give up drinking (after I had bought some new wine), then He told me to break up with my then-boyfriend and be celibate, then He had me get involved with serving in my church, and before you know it I started to feel like a different person, and I was worried. I felt like I was doing the right things on paper but I wasn’t having that much fun anymore. And if I’m honest, I believe that some of the pleasures that I currently struggle with began as ways of comforting myself in my new identity. I’m feeling bored……. let’s online shop! I know God told me to break up with them, but I still miss him and I can’t sleep……..so I’ll drive around and grab a quick bite. Harmless enough, right? But it wasn’t harmless. I was slowly and quietly centering my own pleasures and comforts instead of just being honest with God and asking for wisdom on what I should do. So now I am doing just that. And guess what I am learning?

God has plans to give us pleasure if we will just walk with Him! Psalm 16:11 says “Because of you, I know the path of life, as I taste the fullness of joy in your presence. At your right side I experience divine pleasures for evermore” (TPT). It will only be because of God that we will experience the fullness of joy. It won’t be because of another outfit, another relationship, another degree, or another achievement. Our treasure has to be God. It’s not only what He wants, but it’s what our hearts are truly longing for, deep down. The reason why we are susceptible to the pleasures of this life is because we’re seeking to fill something that only God can. And please understand that even as I write this I recognize my own inconsistencies and the contradictions in my own behavior. But I am now aware of one more thing that’s on the other side of my obedience, and I pray that I can surrender my pleasures and have God as my true treasure. That’s my honest prayer for all of us; that we realize that what our hearts desire, we already have.

I’ll leave us with a passage of Scripture that’s a reminder about the weight that we give our pleasures versus their actual worth.

“I said to myself, come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good. But it also proved to be meaningless. Laughter, I said, is madness. And what does pleasure accomplish? I tried to myself with wine, and embracing folly-My mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was good for people to do with the heavens during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house I also own more herds and flocks and anyone in Jerusalem before me I am as silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired male and female singers, and a harem as well- the delights of a man’s heart. I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this, my wisdom stayed with me. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was the reward for all my toil. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.” Ecclesiastes 2: 1-11 (NIV)

See y’all next week~

Can I admit something? I do not like the quiet, in fact I am incredibly uncomfortable with it. I live alone, but I always have some type of noise going, whether that be music, podcasts, TikTok videos, or episodes of Law & Order SVU (which is my comfort show), I’m never alone with my thoughts. Even when I journal, I need some type of noise. Pure silence scares me, although I guess I should be grateful because some folks never get any peace and quiet in their homes.

We’re quick to assume that silence automatically is connected to peace, but I disagree. While I understand the benefits of practices such as yoga and mindfulness, where you focus on being present in the moment you’re in, not everyone can handle these types of exercises. It’s in the silence where many people feel the most vulnerable, and that’s why we fill it with some type of noise. When I’m in silence my mind starts racing and I find it difficult to focus on just one thing. Truthfully, I feel like I have more peace in noise than I do in silence.

Now, there are times when I know that I am intentionally avoiding being silent because I don’t want to face whatever feelings/reactions and truths that are in front of me. I am the kind of person who has to process their feelings, and it can exhaust me. To me, choosing to sit in silence to process my feelings is like watching an episode of ‘This Is Us’. It’s time well spent, but it’s always an emotional journey. By the way, if you haven’t watched that show you should. But prepare to be in all of your feelings. 💯

Throughout my walk with God, I have learned that He often speaks to me in silence, when I choose to listen. Remember how I shared two weeks ago about going to the library and God speaking to me about my need to feel seen? Well, the reason why I heard Him clearly is because I decided to be quiet. Can y’all believe that I patted myself on the back because I thought I was done, but I’ve quickly realized that God is not done talking to me. All this week I’ve surrounded myself with noise. Work has been busy, I haven’t been feeling my best, and I haven’t been sleeping well. I intentionally chose to not be silent this week, because I truly didn’t have the mental energy to be still. But I am going to give being silent another try this weekend and I’m going to keep trying until I become comfortable with it.

I used to think that for God to speak to me I needed to have a ‘secret place’, aka a prayer room or closet that included worship music, a leatherbound King James Bible, sticky notes, and multicolored flash cards. I even tried to do those things and quickly realized that they weren’t authentic to who I am. Please understand that I’m not knocking anyone who has these things or spends time with God in this way, but I am saying that God can speak to you anywhere you choose to be quiet enough to listen. If you can be silent in your prayer closet that’s where He will speak with you. But some people hear God the clearest when they’re in the shower, or when they’re running in the morning. They are no less saved and no less in tune with God’s voice than those in their prayer closet with a prayer shawl covering their head.

It doesn’t matter how you get there, but I encourage you to trust God with your silence. If all you can stand is five minutes, give Him that. If you’re like me and you have to leave your home and put yourself in a quiet environment you can do that too. Just remember that God won’t force you to listen to Him, but He does desire to spend time with you. He is a jealous God, and He is jealous when the noise in our lives impacts our ability and our desire to listen to Him.

It’s in the silence that God will tell us the truth about ourselves and about the situations we are facing. I believe that this is why we are uncomfortable with silence, because the noise and the distractions in our lives help us to escape from ourselves and our accountability in what God has told us to do (or not do). His truth silences our excuses, and it exposes our hidden motives. The silence is also where God shows His compassion towards us.

When I was a kid I used to hear people talk and sing about God holding them ‘late in the midnight hour’, and wondered why God didn’t hold them in the daytime. But now that I’m an adult I realize that late it’s in the midnight hour that we’re more likely to be vulnerable; our noises and distractions may not be readily available and we’re more open to hear His voice and accept His affection toward us. It reminds me of the song ‘How He Loves’ by Crowder. Here’s my favorite lyrics from that song:

“And we are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about, the way…He loves us…..”

God desires to talk to you, but He will not compete with the noise around you. Make room for Him in your heart and mind, and trust Him with the silence.

See y’all next week~

For the first time since starting this blog, I’m going to do a series, where the next 3 blogs will all focus around the topic of being seen. This has been on my heart lately and keeps coming up, so I will be obedient and dig into it.

I know a lot about corrective lenses because I’ve been wearing glasses for the last 20+ years. I remember being in elementary school and not being able to read what the teacher was writing on the board, and that started my journey of becoming a four-eyes. I now love my glasses and don’t have any desire to ever have contacts or get Lasik surgery. But I do have one regret about my glasses, and that is how I made my vision worse, and the consequences I now have to deal with. As a child, I was diagnosed as being nearsighted, which means that I have trouble seeing things far away. But I was insecure at first about wearing glasses, and I used to take them off and squint a lot, which strained my eyes. I also used to go to sleep with my glasses on, and this is also not recommended because our eyes, like everything else, need to rest. At the time I didn’t think that sleeping with my glasses on or squinting a lot was a big deal until I got older when I was later diagnosed with Astigmatism in my left eye. Astigmatism is essentially blurriness and it affects the clarity of your vision. So now as an adult, I am still very nearsighted and have blurriness in my left eye. Because of this change in my prescription, my glasses are more expensive and I have to get specific frames.

As a kid, I was so focused on what I did see (I felt ugly with my glasses), that I ignored what was true (that my glasses were beneficial for me). And while this example is about physical glasses, I can admit that it’s not just my eyes that need corrective lenses, it’s my mind and heart. I’ll be honest and admit that I have routinely felt unseen in life, meaning that I can be around people and still feel invisible. When I was in high school I wanted to be like the other girls, and while I was friendly with everyone and everyone knew me, I still didn’t feel like they saw me. I felt the same way with men of my past and even in my workplace at different times. It’s something I’ve spoken to God about many times, and I was beginning to question if the reality is that maybe I’m not meant to be seen; that maybe I’m asking for too much.

I was thinking about this last night and I felt God telling me to go to the library in the morning and journal. This was weird to me, because I could have gone anywhere to journal, including staying at home, but there was something about the library that kept coming back to me. So after running an errand, I headed to the library, and I’m very grateful that I did because it was the quiet that I needed, so I could hear God talk to me. During my time of journaling, he showed me the faulty beliefs I have about being seen.

I started journaling about different times in my life where I felt unseen, and I found an intriguing pattern about myself. I can confuse being chosen with being seen; that if someone chooses me that means that they have already seen me and deemed me as worthy, and that if they don’t choose me it’s because they have already seen me and deemed me as unworthy. But being seen and being chosen are two completely different things, and they should not be considered the same. Imagine a world where only those who choose you are the ones who have ever seen you. It creates a very, very, small world. And we serve a big GOD.

I continued to write, and God showed me a second faulty belief that I have, which is that in my quest to be seen, I don’t realize where my own vision is blurry, to my own detriment. He reminded me of a past relationship where I was so grateful that I was finally being seen that I ignored the other red flags that were right in front of me. The reality of who that person truly was was lost on me, and this impacted my ability to think clearly about what I was allowing myself to engage in. My glasses can be clean and my heart can be blurry at the same time. Ouch!

I kept writing, and God showed me another faulty belief that was hard for me to accept. Because I don’t feel seen often, when I do feel seen by someone, instead of it being my baseline it becomes my goal post. Being seen should be my minimal expectation, but because I fear that it won’t happen I have not created any expectations beyond that. I’ve allowed people to do the bare minimum because the bare minimum is all I allowed myself to see. And those who have taken advantage of that are not at fault; they are not the villain in the story. If I truly saw myself accurately, not only would I have expectations for the people who see me and desire to be in my life, but I would also have boundaries in place to protect myself when those expectations are not met.

Y’all at this point I was ready to leave and head home, because I was emotionally tired. But I kept writing and I told God to continue talking and that I was listening, and he shared one last faulty belief with me, and this was the most painful of them all. He simply said to me “I’ve always seen you, but that hasn’t been enough for you.” Yeah. YEAH. No one knows me better than God *cue Muni Long*, no one who has seen my crazy more than Him. And yet, in spite of how well He knows me, He chooses to love me anyway. He chooses to give me a purpose and plans, and talks to me, and listens to my prayers. He has always seen me, but because His vision of me was not tied to the approval of people I didn’t believe it. All of this time He’s been waiting for me to see myself, and here I’ve been waiting for other people to see me, who ultimately don’t matter at all. How are other people going to see something that I don’t see myself?? And with that, it was officially time to go, with 10% battery left on my phone.

I treasure my collection of glasses; they are an extension of my personality and an absolute need for me. And I am so grateful that on this day God showed me my spiritual glasses, that what I have always wanted I already had. It starts with me. It has always started with me.

See y’all next week~

One thing that you may not know about me is that I love skincare. This is something I realized during the pandemic when we were all alone. It started with me looking for a new face wash, and then being influenced by TikTok to start having a skincare routine. I did some research on Black-owned brands and saw great reviews about a company called Good Molecules. (While this is not a sponsored blog, if somehow in the universe they see this I am down to be a brand ambassador because I love them).

Doing my skincare has become my favorite part of my day because I can sit and think about different topics, and the steps of my skincare routine are just simple enough to not distract me. I was recently doing my skincare routine and I started thinking about trauma. I don’t know why this was on my mind, but it probably had something to do with the episode of Law and Order SVU I had just watched. I reflected on a quote I had heard about how trauma can give us thick skin; and that going through certain things can toughen us up. This is something I certainly understand, as I have experienced things that have made me stronger and have given me different perspectives. As I thought about that quote, I immediately said to myself that yes, some trauma does give you thick skin. But I also believe that some types of trauma changes your skin.

Let me give you an example. There are clear physical differences between a burn scar and having third-degree burns on your skin. When I was 13-14, my dad was frying some chicken one night and he told me to back up from the grease, and when I didn’t, some of the grease popped on my wrist and I had a small burn mark for years. You could see the mark, but my actual skin was not damaged, and it eventually healed. But if you’ve ever seen pictures and/or videos of someone who has had third-degree burns, it is devastating. In those cases, they often have to get multiple rounds of surgery, and even after surgery their skin can remain permanently disfigured. Two people can survive a housefire, but there may be only one burn victim.

I believe that everyone has experienced some sort of trauma in their lives and that it all matters. Not all traumatic experiences involve abuse and/or violence. For some, a specific rejection can be traumatic. For others, the unexpected loss of a job. And let’s not forget the emotional equalizer of grief-we all have experienced the trauma of losing a loved one. Although we all know what trauma is, our experiences are individual and should not be compared with anyone else’s. How we respond to our trauma is also individual, and not everyone comes out of their trauma whole. Some people have experienced so much trauma in their lives that it’s a miracle they are still here and in their right mind.

I am a big believer in causation. I believe that almost every decision that we make, especially the patterns in our lives, has a root cause and often includes some type of trauma. It is a privilege to be able to safely process the trauma in our lives, and how it impacts us and our decisions. I am working through some of my past trauma in therapy, and I do not take that for granted. However many people cannot afford therapy or do not have access to a therapist that they can relate to in their area. Many people cannot escape from their trauma because they are still connected to the very people who traumatized them (family, loved ones, etc).

One of the things that I will say over and over again until my last day is that you don’t know how something will affect you until it happens to you. There are a lot of people who are not the same person they used to be because their trauma changed them. They went through something and they came out different. Deep down they know it, and instead of trying to heal they’ve decided to embrace their new skin, as a means to gain some type of control. I have compassion for those people.

I wonder about some of these podcast bros whose whole personality is about disrespecting black women. I wonder how many of them were at one time very nice men who had a woman that they loved to death and would have done anything for, and that woman broke their heart, and now their skin is different. Now they don’t see us black women as being worthy of respect anymore.

I wonder about the many black women who are called bitter and jaded because of their ‘’men ain’t sh*t” narrative. Or the women whose achievements have become their personality, so they talk down to men and emasculate them at every turn. I wonder if those women were once hopeless romantics who played Barbara the builder for so many men and gave of themselves time and time again, only to be hurt, repeatedly. Now their skin is different, and they are hard-hearted as a means of self-protection.

I especially think about all of the people in the Christian church (especially my fellow millennial church kids) who were made to feel like their trauma didn’t matter, or who were surrounded by the improper teachings of purity culture and who endured sex shaming, misogyny, and hypocrisy. As much as these people loved God, the judgment and treatment that they received from others changed their skin. And they haven’t returned to the church since.

God knows the real us, He sees what is underneath all of our trauma. And I am choosing to believe that He is powerful enough to give you your old skin back.

See yall next week~